wallow

oh, grief: your tenacity is admirable..

if i drink one drink, i know i will vomit.

if i drink one drink, i know i will vomit.  but not drinking, right now, is not an option.  i will learn to love my nausea; the retching and purging i will welcome. i will vomit all of the sins my folly has borne.

betrayal

true betrayal--betrayal by one who is cherished and trusted--is like witnessing a murder--a self-murder--of the person who betrays you.  you will heal.  but the one you loved--more than yourself--is lost, and you must mourn her.

Forest Nymph in Spring; While Mom and Dad slumbered.

Wondering where I was?

fighter-backer

i've never been a good "fighter-backer".  whenever someone has attacked me, even when completely unjust-- or worse--, i have had to tell myself "okay, go now.  fight back."  but i have never liked it, never enjoyed the victory (and i almost always was victorious, once i told myself to fight back...).  for some reason, even when it came down to actual harm to me and i defended myself, i never felt righteous or even justified in harming the other person.  the most it felt was like that was what i was supposed--was wanted--to do.

The Dance

Forever she tried to convince me that I was a bad person.
As it was not true, I felt that I was impervious to her machinations.
But somehow, ultimately, I caved;
I succumbed to her incantations, and briefly became a bad person.
How truly foolish and stupid I was,
to think that it was about me.

When she blushes.

She's a real cowgirl, oh yeah!
She's tough and she's from Texas.
Her name is Kate, from the lone star state.
I'm in love.
Well I'm just a lone cowhand, from the Rio Grande.
And I will never think of Texas without thinking of her.

mica dogs

Several nights now I have been hearing the coyotes and their offspring, calling, rehearsing their songs. They are calling now.  I say they are in fine voice, well full of bliss.  I have no care that they are not wolves.  I have seen my coyotes, glimpsed ghostlike and shimmery.  They are true wild dogs.  I have thrilled to the calls of wolves.  I thrill to the song of these dogs now.  Even in this most trying time... they make my heart soar.

The mountains that I climb for you, I climb for myself as well;
the mountains that I climb for myself, I also climb for you.